(no subject)

i'm still alive. miss everyone on here.

still feel sick pretty much constantly. no idea why. constant night sweats, always EXHAUSTED, always hot, all kinds of fun stuff. i'm between marathon naps right now. my body's been fucking wrong for over a year now, but this stuff is new.

just wanted to say hi everybody. hi everybody!

(no subject)

Numbness seems less bad, or maybe I'm just getting used to it. Eyesight/visual disturbances getting much worse. Can't tell any more with the tremors...they're not as constant and awful but they're still there. I'm almost afraid to stop worrying about it because I feel like if I do, that'll be inviting it to be something awful.

Brain cancer is my biggest fear. It's mostly incurable in adults, it robs you of your vision, mobility, intellect, memory, personality...I had a friend whose dad died of it...he didn't know his family by the end.

I started taking klonipin again, maybe that's stopping my twitches. Which worries me, because it's an anti-seizure medication. And guess what brain tumors cause.

Another week until I can see a neurologist. Please god let it be nothing so I won't have to have an MRI. I'll completely lose my shit if I do.

(no subject)

so it's been three years since dad.

still waiting for it to not hurt like this.

especially need him now, when dealing with my own health scares. mom tries but dad was the only one who could handle my particular brand of crazy.

(no subject)

went to doctor today because for the last...week or so, i guess, i went from intermittent left-sided weakness (which i assumed to be migraines cuz it's come with light sensitivity, weird smells and eye pain) to constant left-sided weakness. doctor agrees that something is up and is concerned. sending me to a neurologist in two weeks (soonest appointment i could get). i'm really freaked out about a brain tumor. any other diagnosis i can handle, but something that causes blindness, personality changes and sudden death...can't deal. hell, i could handle the sudden death, but the blindness and personality changes freak me out. i'm almost 30, so getting into the brain tumor age range.

if you're the praying sort or the good vibes sort or anything like that, it would be greatly appreciated. my life is finally getting good. i don't want it to end now.

(no subject)


1. Be less of a dick.

2. Read 100 books (probably won't accomplish this but I've wanted to try again since I was so close in '07 even with a really late start.)

3. Make the doctor appointments I've been putting off; get referrals to specialists; get to the bottom of why my body hates me.

4. Same as above, but with brain.

5. VESID. Get on the road to employment.

6. Go out more even when I don't feel like it.

7. Try more new things even when I think I won't like them.

8. Eat less meat and crap food.

9. Write something every day, even if it's short, pointless and shitty.

10. Kiss my girlfriend every day.

11. IDK maybe I'll try that 365 photo challenge thingy. Haven't decided.

Most of these sound pretty impossible. But what the hell. Might as well try.

(no subject)

On the twelfth day of Christmas, glitterberrys sent to me...
Twelve duggars drumming
Eleven raxacoricofallapatorius piping
Ten horsies a-leaping
Nine victorious dancing
Eight rocks a-milking
Seven muppets a-swimming
Six fraggles a-daydreaming
Five ce-e-e-elebrity babies
Four urban legends
Three liberal celebrities
Two bad puns
...and a totoro in an elektra/abby.
Get your own Twelve Days:

every year it gets weirder.

(no subject)

maybe i'll try to read 100 books next year. i almost did it in 2007, and that was starting in the spring. it's not really that many.

can't believe i'm gonna be 30 next year. i really need to get my shit together.

(no subject)

happy birthday jen. don't know if you still read lj at all, or mine, but i hope you have a great one and that your life is going well.